by Asma bint Shameem
It was Ramadhaan.
The Haram was absolutely PACKED.....it seemed almost like Hajj.
But that day I thought I could beat the crowds.
I wanted to pray in the courtyard, with the Kaa'bah right in front of me.
I thought if I could get there in the middle of the day, right after Dhuhr, I wouldn't find very many people there as I assumed, not many people would want to pray under the scorching heat of the sun.
Thus, I could probably find a good spot to pray, among the women, up close to the Kaa’bah.
So instead of praying in my usual spot in the back, I decided to head for the courtyard.
However as soon as I got there, I realized my awful mistake....
The courtyard was already full.
Everyone had already taken their places for Salaah and there was no way I could even dream of finding a spot there.
So I decided to go back and thought to turn around.
But I couldn’t.
People had already gathered behind me in a long line and there was no chance for me to go back.
I looked hopelessly to my right and then to my left but, to my dismay, all I could see were rows and rows of men and there was absolutely no place to go.
I was stuck.
I couldn’t even budge an inch!
And then they called the Adhaan.
That’s when I started to panic.
All I wanted to do was to find a nice spot to pray, but here I was, stuck in the middle of the crowds with absolutely no place for me to go or find a place to pray.
Men to my right.
Men to my left.
And not a woman in sight.
How could I pray at that spot in the middle of all the men, when there wasn’t even space to make rukoo’ or sujood?!!
And they would call the iqaamah any second now!
A feeling of urgent desperation overcame me.
Shaytaan started to play with my mind and I started to despair.
What a miserable, unfortunate soul I was!
Here I am....standing in the middle of the Haram.... in Ramadhaan.....they’re about to pray.....But I can't!
It's all because of my previous sins, I despairingly thought to myself.
All the mistakes of my flawed past came rushing to my mind....
I thought of the many times I had disobeyed Allaah, the ways I had broken His Laws....the times I was negligent of His Limits...how I did not practice Islaam the way I was supposed to.
I felt that Allaah had “rejected” me and did not think of me as even worthy of praying 4 Rakaah in His Masjid.
He has deprived me of the Taufeeq and the honor to pray at His House, the Kaa'bah.
My heart sank.
I felt horribly weak, miserable, hopeless and depressed.
And then, all of a sudden, I happened to glance upwards..... and then I gasped.
A ray of hope... in this dark moment of despair....
Perhaps He’s not angry with me...!
Perhaps I may have another chance...!
For, up on one of the pillars of the Masjid, an Aayah of the Qur'aan was inscribed..... an Aayah I had read many times before.
But at that moment, it seemed the most beautiful, the most amazing, the most perfect Aayah I had ever read in my entire life!
It was an Aayah that I felt was placed there for ME.
It was meant to be read by ME. .to be seen by ME.
IT WAS MEANT FOR ME.
My heart was absolutely overcome and I started to cry.
It was the aayah from Surah az-Zumar, Ayah 53.
It said:
قُلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَى أَنفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِن رَّحْمَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ
"Say: 'O My worshipers, who have sinned excessively against themselves, DESPAIR NOT of the Mercy of Allaah! Verily, Allaah forgives all sins. He is the Forgiver, the Most Merciful."
Subhaan Allaah! Yaa Allaah!
Yaa Rabb!
My heart called out!
Can there be an Aayah more beautiful than this??!!
Seeing the Aayah right there, just when I needed it the most!
Uncontrollable tears rolled down my cheeks.....tears of regret....tears of hope...tears of gratefulness.
And I was just absolutely overcome by the Mercy of Allaah.
I had the irresistible urge to fall into sajdah to Allaah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala right then and there.
To put my head on the ground in front of my Master in utter submission, begging Him to forgive me....begging Him to overlook my mistakes and my shortcomings.
How ungrateful I was!
How could I despair of the Mercy of the Most Merciful?!
For indeed it is His Mercy that encompasses all.
And it is His Mercy that forgives all.
All it takes from us is ONE sincere repentance and He will forgive us.
After all, isn't He ar-Rahmaan and ar-Raheem?
No matter how big the sin or sins that you have committed, no matter what your past has been like, if you come back to Him with ONE sincere, SINCERE Taubah, coming from the heart, He will forgive you.
🍃The Prophet Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam said:
“Allaah says:
“O son of Adam, so long as you call on Me and put your hope in Me, I will forgive whatever you have done, and I will not mind.
O son of Adam, even if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky, then you were to seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you and I will not mind. O son of Adam, if you were to come to me with an earthful of sins, and you were to meet Me not associating anything in worship with Me, I will come to you with an earthful of forgiveness.’” (Tirmidhi-- hasan).
Allaahu Akbar!
Surely, the Bounty of Allaah is immense and He is the Most Merciful of those who show mercy.
His Mercy is the greatest......greater than His Wrath and greater than all of our sins put together.
No matter how awful my sins, and how many, His Mercy is still greater.
🍃Allaah is inviting us:
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا تُوبُوا إِلَى اللَّهِ تَوْبَةً نَّصُوحًا عَسَىٰ رَبُّكُمْ أَن يُكَفِّرَ عَنكُمْ سَيِّئَاتِكُمْ وَيُدْخِلَكُمْ جَنَّاتٍ تَجْرِي مِن تَحْتِهَا الْأَنْهَارُ
"O you who believe! Turn to Allaah with sincere repentance! It may be that your Lord will expiate from you your sins, and admit you into Gardens under which rivers flow."
(Surah at-Tahreem:8)
🍃And he (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) said:
"Allaah spreads out His hand at night to accept the repentance of those who committed sins during the day, and He spreads out His hand during the day to accept the repentance of those who committed sins during the night. (He will continue to do this) until the sun rises from the West."
(Muslim)
In fact, Allaah rejoices over the repentance of His slaves even though He is in no need of our obedience.
He tells us that He loves the one who repents.
🍃 Allaah says:
إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ التَّوَّابِينَ
"Truly, Allaah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance"
(Surah al-Baqarah:222)
So repent sincerely, ask Allaah to forgive you, no matter how bad it was and do not repeat the sin. Have full hope in Allaah's Mercy that Allaah will forgive you.
🍃 The Prophet (sal Allaahu alayhi wa sallam) said:
'The one who repents from sin is like one who did not sin.'"
(Ibn Maajah-- hasan by al-Albaani)
So never, ever despair or lose hope.
If you repent sincerely, it will wipe out whatever came before it.
This happened a long time ago.
But to this day, the aayah from Surah az-Zumar remains one of my favorite Aayaat that holds special meaning for me.
May Allaah make us among those whom He forgives. Ameen.
And Allaah knows best.
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