The Rights and Responsibilities of the Daughter-in-Law

By Asma bint Shameem

🔹 First of all, the daughter-in-law does NOT have to live with her in-laws in a joint family.

Living in the “joint family system” is only a cultural thing.

There is nothing in the Sharee’ah that enforces that.

And it has nothing to do with Islaam or being a “good daughter-in-law”.

And actually, it’s highly discouraged in our Deen to live with nonmahram in-laws.

But if it’s something culturally accepted, it would be ‘allowed’ to live with nonmahram in-laws, AS LONG AS the woman observes hijaab all the time and she’s not alone with the nonmahrams at ANY time.

That’s because Allaah told us women to cover ourselves from ALL nonmahrams.

And that order includes the

brothers-in-law.

There’s NO EXCEPTION to the rule.

Yet many sisters AND their husbands take that order lightly.

And although they may observe hijaab ‘outside’ their homes, many sisters take off their hijaabs in front of their brothers-in-law just because they live in one house as a joint family.

NOWHERE does Allaah say, it’s ok to take off your hijaab if you’re living with your nonmahram brother-in-law.

In fact, the hadeeth of the Prophet sal Allaahu Alayhi wa sallam is VERY CLEAR.

He said:

"The (brother) in-law is DEATH." (Muslim)

It is the husband’s responsibility to protect his wife and assure her wellbeing.

Part of that protection means screening her from the eyes of non-mahram men such as his own brother.

However, there’s nothing wrong with his parents living in the same place with the daughter-in-law, if the house is big enough, and if that will not cause her any harm.

Remember that the father-in-law is a mahram to his daughter-in-law.

🔹As a daughter-in-law, she does NOT have to take care of her husband’s parents.

So she does not have to “serve” her mother-in-law or take care of her sick father-in-law.

That is the HUSBAND’s responsibility.

If she serves them of her own free will and on her own free time, then that counts as sadaqah on her behalf and she’s rewarded by Allaah for being kind to others.

🔹The daughter-in-law does not ‘have’ to obey anyone from her in-laws, whether that is her husband’s father, mother, brothers or sisters, in any matter, major or minor, unless they tell her to do something which is obligatory according to Islaam, or forbid her to do something that is haraam.

In such situations, she must obey and do that which is right, irrespective of “who” is telling her to do that.

It doesn’t matter if that comes from a relative or a stranger, an in-law or anyone else.

🔹The only one she’s supposed to obey is her husband, as long as it’s according to Allaah’s commands.

That’s because Allaah says:

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means…”

[al-Nisa’ 4:34]

🔹 It is not allowed for any of the in-laws to enter the daughter-in-law’s room without her permission.

That’s because Allaah says:

“O you who believe! Enter not houses other than your own, until you have asked permission and greeted those in them; that is better for you, in order that you may remember”

[al-Noor 24:27]

🔹 If any of them enters her room with her permission but he is not one of her mahrams – such as the husband’s brother – then there has to be one of her mahrams present, so that there will be no haraam khulwah between the two of them. (i.e., being alone together).

🔹The in-laws don’t have the right to force her to do anything nor dictate to her or have a say in what to cook, how to dress, when to wake up and sleep, where to go, when to visit her parents etc.

They may ‘advise’ her or recommend something to her with love and kindness but they cannot compel her or force her against her wishes as long as she’s not doing anything against the Sharee’ah.

🔹 The daughter-in-law has the right to her privacy and it’s not allowed for the in-laws to interfere in the private affairs of the husband and wife.

And they don’t have the right to know the details of every little thing that’s happening in their life.

That includes asking “when are you going to have babies”, “why don’t you go see a doctor”, “what were you two talking/arguing about last night”, “where did you go yesterday”, etc.

🔹 The daughter-in-law does not have to ask permission from any of them to visit her family; that is not their right.

But she should ask her husband’s permission, and if he allows her then she doesn’t have to ask permission from any of them.

🔹 The husband has to honor his parents, especially his mother, and the daughter-in-law should definitely help him in that.

She should not be the cause of a split between him and them and she should never make him “choose” between her and his mother.

It’s true that the wife has certain rights over her husband that he must uphold.

So he must be kind and loving to his wife and provide for her and care for her.

However, the rights of the mother (and father) are greater.

The mother has the greatest rights of all people over her son.

And honoring, respecting and loving the parents is one of the most important duties of a person.

That’s what Allaah has ordered.

He says:

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him.

And that you be dutiful to your parents.

If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honor”

[al-Isra’ 17:23].

Each of you has her own place in his life.

You are not competing for the same spot in his heart.

Rather a mother’s love will remain in its place and a wife’s love will remain in its place.

Each is separate from the other.

🔹 With regard to doing housework, cooking, cleaning etc, that’s also not the daughter-in-law’s responsibility.

But if she does it as an act of kindness towards them, out of the goodness of her heart to please Allaah and to make her husband happy, that’s something good and she will be rewarded for that.

🔹 It’s the wife’s right to have an accommodation of her own, the ‘minimum’ of which is one room, a bathroom and a kitchen where she can relax, be on her own without interference from anyone;

a place she can cook what she wants or NOT cook if she wants.

A place where she can take off her hijaab and be comfortable;

dress however she likes and not worry about nonmahrams barging in or others meddling in her affairs.

The Prophet Sal Allaahu Alaiyhi wa Sallam gave each of his wives a SEPERATE home.

Ali and Fatima radhi Allaahu anhumaa lived in their own house.

And Abdullaah ibn Umar did not live with Umar radhi Allaahu anhu.

🔹 At the end of the day, as a daughter-in-law you must remember that a woman is the “ANCHOR” of her home.

Her wisdom and diligence are the NUCLEUS around which the serenity of her home and the mental peace of her husband and kids revolve.

It’s part of the good manners of a Muslim woman to consider the husband’s parents as her own so she thinks of them as family.

And have love for them and treat them with mercy, fondness and sincerity.

There IS definitely wisdom in this outlook and overall benefit in having this attitude.

Such approach is not only wise and mature, but it also builds a strong foundation for a beautiful and strong, everlasting, healthy relationship between two individuals, a man and a woman bonding together and loving each other for the sake of Allaah.

Someone wise once said:

“The best wife is the one who knows how to create harmony in her marriage and strikes a balance between obeying and respecting her husband and expressing her own strong personality.”

And Allaah knows best