by Asma bint Shameem
ANSWER
No doubt our Deen is absolutely fair, just and balanced; and gives the wife her rights and gives the mother her rights.
Everything has a very balanced approach Alhamdulillaah.
So a mother has her own place and a wife has her own place.
It’s true that the wife has certain rights over her husband that he must uphold.
So he must be kind and loving to his wife and provide for her and care for her.
However, “generally speaking”, the rights of the mother (and father) are greater.
The mother has the greatest rights of all people over her son.
And honoring, respecting and loving the parents is one of the most important duties of a person.
🍃 Allaah says:
“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him.
And that you be dutiful to your parents.
If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honor”
[al-Isra’ 17:23].
🍃 And the Prophet ﷺ said:
“Who among the people is most deserving of my good company?”
He said, “Your mother.”
He asked, “Then who?”
He said, “Your mother.”
He asked, “Then who?”
He said, “Your mother.” …
(al-Bukhaari, 5514; Muslim, 4621).
So if ever there’s a situation where the man can only do one thing then he must obey his mother first, unless it causes harm to his wife.
So for example, if the mother and wife both call the man, he should answer his mother first, IF the situation is the same on both sides.
But of course, if the wife has an emergency or something urgent, then he should obviously respond to his wife first.
It’s all COMMON SENSE.
Allaah is not unfair. He is Most Wise, Most Knowledgeable when He Subhaanahu wa Ta’aala decreed anything.
He will NEVER give someone rights over the other such that it is harmful for them.
So the parents have rights.
But the wife has MORE right to his money than the parents, although he should look after BOTH.
Obviously the man should take care of his parents’ needs and spend time with them.
But he can NOT do that at the expense of losing time with his wife or spending less on her.
That’s why the wife is entitled to her own accommodation according to our Deen.
🍃 The scholars said:
“Putting the parents and the wife together in one home is not permissible (and the same applies to other relatives).
Hence the wife has the right to refuse to live with either of them, because it is her right to have separate accommodation where she feels safe with regard to herself and her property. No one has the right to force her to do that.”
(al-Mawsoo‘ah al-Fiqhiyyah 25/109)
🍃 And the scholars also said:
“The Muslim should always give preference to his mother because of the hadeeth mentioned.
But the wife takes PRECEDENCE over the mother in one case, and that is the matter of spending.
If the husband cannot afford to spend on both his wife and his mother because he is poor, then in this case he should put his wife before his mother.
The Muslim has to give what is due to each person who has a right over him, and he has to help the one who is oppressed.
If his mother mistreats his wife, he has to put a stop to it, in a kind and fair manner.”
(Islamqa Fatwa # 6293)
But the matter of dealing with the wife or the parents is not so “black and white” or rigid.
The son plays a vital role in the relationship between his wife and his parents especially his mother.
Of course he must be dutiful and respectful to his mother.
But he must also treat his wife kindly and fairly.
Each one has their rights and he must fulfill them to the best of his ability.
He’s answerable to Allaah for that.
The mother has her rights.
And the wife has her rights.
And he can NOT be UNJUST to either one of them, at the expense of the other.
In fact, if he sees any injustice on either side, whether it’s the mother or his wife, he MUST address it and try to solve it with kindness, justice, respect and wisdom.
The mother should also show love and kindness towards her daughter-in-law and not interfere in her affairs.
Similarly the daughter-in-law should treat the in-laws with respect and love.
The daughter-in-law is not obligated to serve his parents and there’s no Islaamic ruling or order as such and there's no sin on her if she doesn’t.
But if she does treat them kindly, and help them in any way, that's going to count as a good deed on her behalf and a sadaqah or charity for her.
It's something mustahabb or recommended and liked in Islaam.
That's because if she treats his parents kindly, her husband will be pleased and she will earn his respect and love and her status will be elevated in his eyes.
If there’s any issue between the wife, and her in-laws, it should be resolved with forgiveness, love, kindness and understanding instead of keeping count of “my rights” and “their rights”.
Or keeping grudges and ill feelings.
The KEY to a good relationship is to work things out amicably, with love, compassion and wisdom, and keep the best interest of the family at heart.
And Allaah knows best